For last one month i was away from sulekha.Reason.........my both sons are at home full time.One busy with his entrance exams after his12th and the other one enjoying the break between completion of his educational career and joining the professional one. both are at the juncture of life where another phase of life starts. This has landed me in a whirlpool of mixed emotions.Perhaps every mother goes through it.Transition of kids from one phase of life to another leaves them struggling within.
Elder one completed his M.B.A. degree successfully and was to start his professional career.
We went to attend his convocation.Sitting there in the hall ,looking at him ,striding forward after collecting his degree , i was engulfed in an emotional tide..i felt proud.................these were those tiny steps i taught to walk . After completion of every faltering ,staggering step without falling down,his that hesitant smile laced with expectation of appreciation flashed through my mind. Now he has to walk on his own.i was happy ,i was proud of him but then why that tinge of little bit sadness.Was it that i felt him walking away from my world a bit farther .
He was in hostel for last six years.growing up and maturing away from home with the friends.Definitely there were parts of life, the treasured secrets i knew nothing about.There might have been tough times also in these six years which he faced alone or with the help of friends. But then why at this juncture i was a bit scared about him.Away from those protective walls of hostel he is going to be in that big bad world of professional rivalry,pressure of target achievements,meeting the dead line.i know this is the normal way of life and he is quite capable of handling these pressures but then why i wanted to protect him from all this.Were these my motherly instincts which with alerted antennae are always eager to pounce in between the child and any kind of hardships of life or my fear that now he will have a big world of which i will not be a part of.
No,i am not the kind of mother ,who keeps her kids so close to her heart that they start panting for breath.i always give them enough space.i respect their privacy and acknowledge their uniqueness.For that matter i value my own space as well .but then these feelings...............
i think motherhood at every point of time is strewn through these contrasting emotions.We want to pamper them but then we want them to be desciplined .We want them to be close to us but then we want to see them soaring high in the sky.Striking the right balance is what makes all the difference.
Ultimately the day arrived when he was to leave for his first job.all things packed,preparation done ,i had nothing more in my hands to keep me busy at that moment.i was sitting silently .he came and sat beside me.ruffling his hair i voiced my emotions to him.
'not you mom............'he said
'why not me.all moms feel like that for their kids how so ever well versed to the practical aspects of life they might be.it's not that i think you will not be able to tackle all those problems.in fact i know you can handle them in a far better manner than perhaps i can.Still if hardships are to be faced i will feel comfortable if it's i than you.i know we all have to bear our crosses on our own shoulders.i can not take off the burden how ever badly i want it .But then all that knowledge can not stop me from feeling the way i am feeling just now.This you will understand when in this position yourself.'
His tight hug told me he understood me.i was relieved i did not want to be taken as a fussy unreasonably sentimental mother by my 23 years old.
'Hey mom, do you remember your kavita you used to recite to me from the age i even did not understand meaning of any word'
And i smiled...............yes he was correct. After his birth i wrote this kavita which i recited to him when he was hardly three months old.i recorded the moment in an audio cassette.punctuating my voice there are oos and aas of my infant son in the cassette.That was my weston tape recorder bought from my first salary. last time we listened to that cassette was when he was leaving for hostel after his 12th standard.
The lines echoed in my heart...............
neel gagan ke pakhi jaise
par failaye udana
hai nisseem dagar teri
tujhe na hai rukna
nahi hogi angna me bas
chandaniya se bate
aayegi maavas ki bhi
sooni kali rate
nanhe deepak se tum
ekakihi jalna.............
jeevan nahi hai keval
phoolo ki hi bagiya
kaanto se bhi bhar sakti hai
kabhi teri dagriya
chahe jaisa ho path
bas tum aage badate rahana..................
And here was i getting all worked up on his embarking upon journey towards a new phase of life.But then that's how mothers are.............
written in may 2009,Pune
Elder one completed his M.B.A. degree successfully and was to start his professional career.
We went to attend his convocation.Sitting there in the hall ,looking at him ,striding forward after collecting his degree , i was engulfed in an emotional tide..i felt proud.................these were those tiny steps i taught to walk . After completion of every faltering ,staggering step without falling down,his that hesitant smile laced with expectation of appreciation flashed through my mind. Now he has to walk on his own.i was happy ,i was proud of him but then why that tinge of little bit sadness.Was it that i felt him walking away from my world a bit farther .
He was in hostel for last six years.growing up and maturing away from home with the friends.Definitely there were parts of life, the treasured secrets i knew nothing about.There might have been tough times also in these six years which he faced alone or with the help of friends. But then why at this juncture i was a bit scared about him.Away from those protective walls of hostel he is going to be in that big bad world of professional rivalry,pressure of target achievements,meeting the dead line.i know this is the normal way of life and he is quite capable of handling these pressures but then why i wanted to protect him from all this.Were these my motherly instincts which with alerted antennae are always eager to pounce in between the child and any kind of hardships of life or my fear that now he will have a big world of which i will not be a part of.
No,i am not the kind of mother ,who keeps her kids so close to her heart that they start panting for breath.i always give them enough space.i respect their privacy and acknowledge their uniqueness.For that matter i value my own space as well .but then these feelings...............
i think motherhood at every point of time is strewn through these contrasting emotions.We want to pamper them but then we want them to be desciplined .We want them to be close to us but then we want to see them soaring high in the sky.Striking the right balance is what makes all the difference.
Ultimately the day arrived when he was to leave for his first job.all things packed,preparation done ,i had nothing more in my hands to keep me busy at that moment.i was sitting silently .he came and sat beside me.ruffling his hair i voiced my emotions to him.
'not you mom............'he said
'why not me.all moms feel like that for their kids how so ever well versed to the practical aspects of life they might be.it's not that i think you will not be able to tackle all those problems.in fact i know you can handle them in a far better manner than perhaps i can.Still if hardships are to be faced i will feel comfortable if it's i than you.i know we all have to bear our crosses on our own shoulders.i can not take off the burden how ever badly i want it .But then all that knowledge can not stop me from feeling the way i am feeling just now.This you will understand when in this position yourself.'
His tight hug told me he understood me.i was relieved i did not want to be taken as a fussy unreasonably sentimental mother by my 23 years old.
'Hey mom, do you remember your kavita you used to recite to me from the age i even did not understand meaning of any word'
And i smiled...............yes he was correct. After his birth i wrote this kavita which i recited to him when he was hardly three months old.i recorded the moment in an audio cassette.punctuating my voice there are oos and aas of my infant son in the cassette.That was my weston tape recorder bought from my first salary. last time we listened to that cassette was when he was leaving for hostel after his 12th standard.
The lines echoed in my heart...............
neel gagan ke pakhi jaise
par failaye udana
hai nisseem dagar teri
tujhe na hai rukna
nahi hogi angna me bas
chandaniya se bate
aayegi maavas ki bhi
sooni kali rate
nanhe deepak se tum
ekakihi jalna.............
jeevan nahi hai keval
phoolo ki hi bagiya
kaanto se bhi bhar sakti hai
kabhi teri dagriya
chahe jaisa ho path
bas tum aage badate rahana..................
And here was i getting all worked up on his embarking upon journey towards a new phase of life.But then that's how mothers are.............
written in may 2009,Pune
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